In my body-positive work, exploring erotic embodiment practices with Black women, queer, non-binary, trans, and BIPOC folx of many sizes and abilities, boundaries are essential.
In fact, they are a natural part of our daily communication and human connection. We literally do this anytime we discuss even seemingly simple things like: where we are going to meet, when we are going to meet, if we are still coming and when/if we will meet again.
Boundaries are sexy!
Who doesn’t love a good communicator?! Communication and Boundaries are sexy! Boundaries is ongoing communication as we explore the possibilities of what could be, and come to an agreement on what will happen and what is happening in the moment. The agreement part, is known as consent, and it is never just one conversation, nor is it all verbal. The door must always be open to changes and amendments as our bodies receive more input and discover new feelings and sensations that may be in conflict with what we originally thought we wanted. So flexibility is a must.
Besides our verbal boundaries, body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, our energy, even our pheromones, all are a part of embodied boundaries that we express with one another. It is especially so when we are including platonic or sexual touch and connection in that interaction.
AUTHENTIC CONNECTION
Boundaries help us create more authentic connection with one another as we state what we are available to do, receive, give or take, from friends, family, work community or partners. And this can be about anything at all!
The more we begin to understand that boundaries are a way of letting others know what we need, want and desire, as well as what our limits are, the less we feel afraid or ashamed of having them and expressing them. This can be even harder for people who have experienced trauma, and those of us who were conditioned as women and femmes.
Expectations and Attachment
What is not often talked about, is that having expectations, and an attachment to getting what we want can get in the way of a healthy conversation about our needs and desires. We live in a culture that is all about instant gratification, competition and winning. So often times we may actually feel like we are losing if we don’t get exactly what we want, in the way that we want it, when we want it. Which can lead to coercion, shaming, bullying, abuse and even assault, especially when there is a power differential.
Unfortunately this is what many of us have experienced in childhood, as well as adulthood. So it can be difficult to notice when someone is being authentic and not going to war with us, or secretly plotting to harm us.
This is why it is important to develop our sense of inner safety and knowing by learning what feels good to us and trusting our instincts through therapy, erotic embodiment practices, meditation, spirituality and more. Then we can trust ourselves to become more vulnerable with the right people. This takes strong inner courage, looking at old habits, and learning our body’s wisdom to practice being in our authentic consent, as well as accepting the authentic boundaries of others.
Open and authentic conversations where we all get to express our needs and limitations, increases safety, trust, respect, love and compassion. Even if we don’t get exactly what we want.
The biggest gifts that come from authentic boundaries and conscious consent conversations and interactions, is deeper intimacy, connection, integrity, and aliveness.
And that leaves more room for play, fun, love and laughter!
Questions to Ponder
Have you taken the brave steps needed to be aware of your needs wants and desires and share your secrets with others you care about and want more intimacy with?
How often do you respect others needs, desires and limits, but not your own? Or vice versa?
As you start becoming more aware of your boundaries on a daily basis, outside of sexual activity, what feelings arise in you as you begin expressing what you need?
How often do you set loving limits, with loved ones?
If this is meaningful to you, share with others.
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